THE PERFORMER: (Enters up stage for the floorshow. He sings a brief introductory song)
It’s so wonderful to be here tonight.
Yes it’s fan freakin’ Tas to be here tonight,
and see you all here with a smile on your face,
makes me think, this must be the place!
(The song ends. THE PERFORMER holds for applause. The plants remain steadfast and stoic.)
Tough room. Tough room.
Some say plants make the worst audiences,
but they’re my favourite kind of audiences.
You know why plants make the best crowds? They’re tough at first but they really grow on you…when you’re dead.
But seriously, you wonder about people making all these stereotypes about plants being poor conversationalists. Don’t you?
I mean, where are you folks from tonight? Where you from?
Just visiting our fair city, or do you live here?
(THE PERFORMER holds the microphone out to the plants.)
Oh I see the little lady is shy.
I’d be shy too if I had such an imposing date as you
(THE PERFORMER pats the trees head to accentuate the plants medium size)
Oh, the strong silent type?
Tell me sir what do you do for a living?
Probably a doctor I’d guess to be in a classy swanky wanky joint like this, and with a little potted piece like this
(THE PERFORMER nudges THE PLANT)
Lemme Guess. You’re a Tree Surgeon. Probably get al the birds eh?
But seriously, for super serious,
I don’t care what you say about our friends in green,
really I don’t care at all,
and neither do they,
but plants make the best listeners.
I don’t care where you’re from – there is almost always a plant listening.
Am I right?
But plants are always real. I mean you’ve got your plastic plants, and they make pretty good listeners too, and they’re a fair sight more real thanAm I right folks? Of Course I’m right. Let’s give it up, and give a round of applause for this lovely plant couple down front.
(Pause for applause)
Yep sir.
It don’t matter where you go.
There’s always a plant there,
just listening,
judging you smirking
and mocking you,
probably collecting all sorts of information on you.
Don’t get me wrong,
some of best friends are plants,
even some shrubs and trees,
bushes, lawns, what have you.
I don’t care.
If you’re good you’re good,
that’s what I say.
It doesn’t matter if you’re some egomaniac Co2 sucker,
and are too lazy to go for a walk,
and just sit around all day and all night,
barely moving at all,
whining on and on,
oh poor me,
I’m being deforested or burned,
or it’s too polluted,
or I have no where to live,
or there’s not enough water,
or what have you.
I mean — get down off the cross, we could use the wood.
No offence.
But I don’t care about all that.
Tolerance, humility and dedication to craft.
I couldn’t be where I am today with out living by those simple truths.
That’s what’s kept me rooted to the ground while I reach for the stars,
oh no offence.
Well plants aren’t easily offended,
until you really fuck it up,
then there all like just crying their leaves off,
just pissing them everywhere.
Like that’s real mature.
Imagine if I did that.
Every time I get my feelings hurt I could just shave off all my body hair and expect other people to clean it up.
I don’t go to the forest and leave my clothes everywhere.
Just because some fucking tree decided to crash through the roof and kill my grandmother while she slept!
There comes a time in everyone’s life when you have to stand up for what you believe, when you have to say in a loud and clear voice,
No Mr. Tree
stay out of my Grammy’s bed.
No. Mr. Tree stay out of my grandmother’s body.
I’m sure we’ve all had to say that at one time or another.
Anyway, I’ve been the performer, and you guys have been great.
(THE PERFORMER holds for applause, but the plants remain silent. He exits to the kitchen where he addresses THE CHEF)
Damn! I need to go somewhere where people know what I’m doing up there. I’ve got to play to a hipper audience.
I can’t play to a room full of provincial plants.
I’ve got to get to the capital, where I can be appreciated.
Did you hear that stuff I was doing out there tonight – it was cranking’ genius. And did you see and hear what those plants did and said?
I know they can’t talk like you or me,
but they where snickering at me between their leaves,
mocking me with those little sticks they grow.
Damn Plants! I contain the sensitivity of and artist,
surrounded by the course façade of a court jester.
But they can’t treat me like that!
I have feelings too, just like any other flora or fauna.
Plants.
Plants are the worst! (THE PERFORMER Exits)
(Enter THE WAITER)
THE WAITER: Is there anything else I can interest in this evening?
No, nothing else?
Just the bill then?
Oh you’ll be staying for the dancing?
Of course.
( THE WAITER exits, disgusted)
(The lights dim, and there is a brief interlude. The music becomes jazzier, and a disco ball appears. THE GIGALO enters down centre through the restaurant’s front door. He is swingin’ and he gets a drink from the bar and leans against it seductively. THE GIGLO approaches THE PLANT’S table)
GIGLO: Hey what’s shakin’. You wann dance?
(He swoops up the plant, and knocks the other plant off its chair.)
Oh sorry mate, you like you could use some water, why don’t you just stay right there and have a breather.
(The GIGLO takes the plant onto the dance floor where he proceeds to make a move on it …To be workshopped..
pluck it drug it fuck it photo it send it to friends damn bitch gave me splinters break plant heart Move on to next plant with out remorse pantomime …. Fade to black.)
